I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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