My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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