I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
