Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Someone shit on the floor
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
