How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize