when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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