like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
