The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize