As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
