Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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