look no pants
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
