im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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