I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
