Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
