I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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