Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
