Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
