Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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