i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
