I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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