she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
