thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
