I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
