Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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