Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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