Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
