let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
