I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
