she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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