dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
