I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
