the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
