i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
