If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
