i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
