I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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