you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
