How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize