I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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