i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
