First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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