i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Green mimosas i think yes
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
being pregnant is like rehab
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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