I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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