Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
