Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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