She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
