Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Too much gin, very little bucket
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
