I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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