All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
