I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
