And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
