My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
