I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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