We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
