I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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